The Hidden Trauma Behind High Achievement

This pattern often starts in childhood: straight A student, star athlete, the lead in the play, or multiple of these things. College looked similar, then you graduated and either went onto get higher degree, climbed the corporate ladder, or became a successful musician. Whatever it is that you put your full effort into has worked out for you. 

Today, you have it all, but for some reason you still feel empty inside. You find yourself feeling insignificant and wanting more. No amount of success ends up feeling like enough for you. 

And it’s also hard to be still or to have hobbies. You struggle to just relax or be playful. When you try, you end up feeling restless or fidgety. 

And from the outside, it looks like you have it all together. And no one would ever guess that under these patterns of over-functioning that there is deep pain. 

Often when you keep yourself busy through succeeding, it can start to look like an addiction pattern. But it’s one no one would ever catch. Generally, people admire your success or might even be a bit jealous, but no one thinks you’re doing anything wrong. 

And yet it is a problem when you can’t relax. It is a problem when you can’t slow down and be present with the people who actually matter to you. One place problems can often show up is relationships because being in deep relationship means being present, vulnerable, and attentive. 

For those who are high achieving, sometimes you can be the person that is doing everything in the relationship. Relationships might be a place where you over-function. This could be as a partner or parent. With this pattern, again, no one will tell you this is a problem because there are those that benefit greatly from you constantly self-sacrificing. 

And other high achievers may neglect their relationships. They are so focused on work or achieving that they end up neglecting those they care most about. This might mean putting work, school, or your career over your partner, children, or family. With this pattern you might find yourself feeling torn in two different directions, always feeling like you’re failing somewhere. Those you’re in relationship may complain and wish for more from you. And they aren’t exactly wrong, but you don’t know how to be enough both in your career and at home. 

At the root of high achieving dynamics is often a belief of not being enough, not being worth, or not being good enough. Achieving and over-functioning is how you learned to get praise and feel a sense of worth. Unfortunately, just like other addictive patterns, it’s just a temporary fix. 

These reason it’s temporary is that nothing inside of you has changed. You still don’t feel like you’re worthy or enough. 

So how do you address this? Ideally you find a therapist that specializes in trauma and those who are high functioning or high achieving. You don’t want to go to therapy and have someone tell you that everything in your life is great, so what’s the problem. Often this goes beyond just an anxiety or depression issue. 

When you work with someone who can help you dig deep, often there are patterns related to early attachment experiences. You were rewarded for being “good.” You were praised for the ways you achieved. But there was also subtle or not so subtle criticism or maybe even a felt sense of disappointment. 

What was missing was being seen for who you are, not what you can do. And once you find the root of where this pattern comes from, true healing can begin.

As someone who is high achieving myself, I’m intimately familiar with this pattern and way of being in the world. And I’ve walked the path of healing myself. If you’re looking for someone who can help guide you through healing so that you can feel worthy and lovable for exactly who you are, reach out here.