1. You feel anxious in relationships. This can go two ways: you start to feel anxious when you get close to someone OR you get anxious when you don’t feel close to the other person. This may also lead to feelings of panic. Either, “I need to get some space…I feel like this person is suffocating me,” OR “I need to talk to that person NOW! I need to know that they want to be with me!” You may stare at your phone, waiting for texts back.
2. You’re caught in the anxious-avoidant trap. You are the pursuer in the relationship and the other person is the distancer, or vice versa. You think that if you fix yourself, you’ll fix the relationship. This is a huge myth. You likely need to find a secure partner or enter couples counseling. You can’t fix the relationship on your own because you’re not the only one with attachment wounds.
3. You feel unfulfilled in most of your relationships. Even when someone is consistently there, you question whether they will reject you or leave you.
4. You experience a lot of negative self-talk in relationships. You have a constant dialog going in your mind about how you aren’t good enough or are undeserving of good, healthy relationships. Maybe you justify why others don’t treat you well. Somehow, it’s your fault.
5. You have trust issues. You have a REALLY difficult time trusting others. Despite a long history with someone trustworthy, you still question their motives.
6. You trust others too easily. You ignore that small voice inside that tells you something is wrong or that someone is untrustworthy. Maybe all your internal alarm signals are going off, but rather than staying away, you go toward the danger.
7. You have a history of unhealthy relationships. This may involve distancing yourself when you feel close to others or it may involve needing to constantly be in a relationship. You may suspect you have issues with what some call, “love addiction” or “sex addiction.” Or maybe you’ve avoided relationships at all costs.
8. You either think your family is perfect or you can’t stop thinking about how your family has failed you.
9. The people who were supposed to love you hurt you in a variety of ways. This may be overt abuse or it may be more subtle in nature where your caregivers just weren’t there for you in the ways that you needed.
10. You either avoid thinking about your childhood with your parents or you can’t stop thinking about how painful your childhood was.
The above are all signs of unprocessed attachment wounds. Many people don’t consider the above to be indicative of any kind of trauma. But if you struggle with any of the above, that tells me that your attachment system is being triggered, which likely means you have unprocessed attachment wounds. I know that talking about childhood and how your needs weren’t met can be a very scary endeavor, but what if doing so could lead to freedom? Freedom to live a happier, healthier life with more fulfilling relationships. If you’re ready to embark on a healing journey, I’d be happy to walk through it with you. Safe Haven offers both individual and group support for attachment and relationship issues. If you are interested in group, click here. If you're interested in individual counseling, contact us here.