Coping with Shame

Most of us have experienced the extremely unpleasant feeling of shame at some point in life. Shame is a powerful and intense emotion, and it almost always evokes the thought, “I am bad,” or, “There’s something wrong with me.” In that way, shame is different from guilt. Guilt by itself evokes the thought, “I did something bad/wrong,” and appropriate guilt can move people toward making amends and repairing relationships. When guilt and shame get linked, however, the result is usually not great. Many people cope with shame by trying to hide or withdraw, both from others and from themselves. This might look like turning to addictive behaviors, sinking into depression, or numbing out. Others cope with shame by going on the attack, whether toward other people or themselves. This might look like angry outbursts, self-harm, self-destructive behaviors, or an intensely critical inner voice. Unfortunately, most of these strategies for coping with shame usually lead to more shame—which creates an endless cycle.  

So, how do people end up in this cycle, and what options are there for breaking out of it? It’s important to remember that children aren’t born ashamed. Shame is an experience that comes from interactions with other people. When children are criticized, neglected, invalidated, or abused, they pick up the message, “I am bad,” and feel shame. It is easier for a child to imagine that they are bad and deserving of their treatment than it is for them to understand that others might harm them for reasons that have nothing to do with them. 

As adults, we can begin to understand that intellectually, but we may still have trouble breaking out of the shame cycle. To stop the cycle, we first have to notice when it is happening. Then, we have to step in before we do our normal coping behavior—whether it’s hiding, avoiding, withdrawing, or attacking. Shame is an intense feeling, but just like all feelings, it comes and goes. We can learn to watch shame come and go in our thoughts, feelings, and sensations, without engaging in behavior that will further the cycle. We might even learn to have compassion for the parts of ourselves that are holding all that shame! This is an extremely difficult process, and it takes time. But as we learn to cope with shame in healthy ways, we begin to release the shame we’ve carried from the past, which frees us up to envision a new future.