Why Pregnancy After Loss Can Feel So Different

You can’t un-feel a prior loss.

Pregnancy after loss is different than pregnancy before loss. It can be fraught with anxiety, and sometimes even an impulse to disconnect. And if you’ve experienced multiple losses, these feelings can be even more intense.

Many times, mothers are also carrying unprocessed grief from a previous loss. You may have been able to compartmentalize that grief before, but pregnancy can reawaken old grief in new ways. You may even experience guilt for feeling like you’re somehow replacing the baby you lost.

It can be difficult to manage all of this alone. I hope you have support around you, but even when you do, you may still be struggling.

And all of this can be exacerbated by the knowledge that being calm and relaxed during pregnancy is optimal for your baby. But telling yourself to “just calm down” or “relax” rarely works.

This can create cycles that look like:

Anxiety and worry about the safety of your baby and/or grief about your previous baby → guilt and shame for not feeling connected, present, or grateful for the baby you have → guilt and shame for feeling anxious and worrying about how that anxiety might impact your baby → more anxiety.

What is often most helpful is learning to grieve your previous loss, learning to manage your anxiety while having compassion for yourself when you’re unable to, talking to your baby and differentiating your feelings from theirs, and learning to connect with your baby despite your fear.

I’ve had two losses and two live babies. I know deeply how anxiety-provoking pregnancy after loss can be.

One of the most helpful things someone asked me when I was pregnant after my first loss was:

“Will it make it any less hard for you if you don’t connect with this baby and you lose them?”

My answer was no.

It wouldn’t make it less hard. In fact, I knew I would probably feel even more sadness that I hadn’t allowed myself to connect with my baby while she was with me—even if that time was temporary.

There are also meaningful benefits to beginning to connect with your baby during pregnancy, including in the first trimester. Early connection and bonding can support the transition into parenthood and may be protective against postpartum anxiety and depression. It can also give you a beginning place for developing a secure attachment with your baby.

Pregnancy after loss is almost always complicated.

But you don’t have to do it alone.

Based on both my personal and professional experience, I am passionate about helping parents navigate pregnancy after loss. I’m always happy to have partners present for supportive sessions or to work with couples around the unique challenges of pregnancy after loss.